Is it the most compassionate way to go about friendships? Eh, probably not. In fact, The New York Times published an interesting piece comparing the differences between teasing among friends and other forms of bullying. The key to all of this is that both parties understand that notion of mutual love. When we tease someone with good intentions, we're indirectly showing our affection for him or her.
This is why guys always teased the girl in elementary school who we had a crush on, instead of showing up to her classroom with roses. Remember how before you met him we were telling you stories about the odd things he did? Here he is in the flesh.
We all joke around about him and it's okay for you to as well. The group may think the friend being teased is okay with it and having fun, and everyone is laughing together. They may not mean to go overboard and possibly tease them too much, to the point where it hurts their feelings. Sometimes a group of friends do realize they tease someone a bit too hard, suspect it does bug them somewhat, and feel vaguely guilty about it.
However, the entertainment they get from teasing them outweighs any slightly bad feelings they have. They feel like they can't help it. This is admittedly a pretty immature , insensitive way to behave. Often when the teasers are on the fence like this they just need to be told to stop in order to change their behavior. They already realize on one level they're going too far, and don't need to be nudged much to ease off entirely.
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Click here to go to the free training. A key test of how mean-spirited your friends' teasing is how they react if you tell them to cut it out. Do they apologize and drop it, and look like they feel genuinely bad about going too far? Or do they not seem to care that you don't like being teased, or worse yet, laugh and start bugging you even more for getting upset?
Secondly, if they do stop, do they stop for long? If you tell them to cut it out, do they back off for the moment, but minutes, hours, or days later start teasing you again like they always do? There's still a fuzzy area here about what your friends' intentions could be. They may not cut it out when you ask them to stop, but not because they're malicious, just that they've gotten carried away with ribbing you and can't help themselves.
And in their minds the teasing is lighthearted. They may be a little insensitive and think, "Ah, there's no way this can actually be bugging them. If they continue the teasing, you can decide whether to move on from them or not.
And now it seems like I'm putting all the responsibility for stopping the teasing on the victim. When people tell their friends to stop teasing them they sometimes don't state their message in a strong or clear enough way. What they mean to communicate is, "Guys, stop teasing me altogether. It hurts my feelings", but they send a message that their friends interpret more as, "Okay, okay, you guys got me!
Good one! I like being teased overall. It's fun, but just back off a little at the moment please. Feel free to do it again some more later. I think in an ideal world people's friends would always understand what they meant, and follow their wishes right away, but that's not always the case.
Sometimes a friend has to take more assertive steps to ensure their intentions are understood. When you make your message clear you can deliver it in a friendly, confident, low key way. You don't have to be overly forceful or confrontational. You don't need to spill your guts and tell them every way being teased wounds your soul. Just say it bugs you and you want them to ease back. For example, "Guys, guys, you go a little far when you poke fun at me.
Once in a while is okay, but cut it out with doing it all the time. Then once you've asked for what you want, it's important to be consistent about restating your wishes if your friends start to poke fun at you again.
Keep up your message until it sinks in and they adjust how they act. But where does teasing fit in the picture? It is bullying? Sometimes teasing is harmless and playful. Other times it can be used to hurt others. And even playful teasing can hit raw nerves or be misinterpreted, especially when kids struggle with social skills. Many kids tease each other to bond or form relationships. The teasing shows each other they can joke around and still be friends.
Done in the right spirit, this banter can be positive. When kids tease each other about clothes, musical tastes, or behavior, it helps them learn to deal with constructive criticism. Kids also use teasing to influence each other, and change behavior for the better. Just talk to him already! But teasing can also be used to communicate the negative. For example, a group of girls might tease one in the group about her weight.
In those cases, teasing can lead to hurt feelings. With these negatives, why not discourage teasing completely? Quotes Guest articles Analysis Books Help. More Kindle book s: And the big paperback book. Look inside. Please help and share:. More Kindle book s:. Home Top Menu Quick Links. Teasing as testing trust If I deliberately confuse or annoy you, what is the underlying purpose?
Teasing as showing trust As well as testing the trust of the other person, teasing demonstrates trust in them. Teasing as reciprocal banter Teasing in friendship is seldom a one-way thing. Teasing as disguised bullying Teasing can also be done as an act of domination.
See also Using Humor , Trust. Site Menu. Home Top Quick Links Settings. Other sections: Blog! You can buy books here.
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